


please, let me breathe

by hyuncinth



Category: LOONA (Korea Band)
Genre: 2jin is mentioned, Angst, F/F, Hanahaki Disease, I don't know what I'm doing, Implied/Referenced Abuse, Implied/Referenced Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Please love her, chuuves if you squint, jinsoul is just really sad, onesided! lipsoul, stream favOriTe, the rest of loona is kinda in the background
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-09
Updated: 2018-08-09
Packaged: 2019-06-24 13:55:11
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,166
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15632028
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hyuncinth/pseuds/hyuncinth
Summary: Jung Jinsoul gives her heart to Kim Jungeun and all she receives are flowers in her lungs.





	please, let me breathe

**Author's Note:**

> Hi everyone! This is my first angst fic that I've published and I honestly just hope it isn't that big of a trainwreck as I think it is.  
> If you do somehow enjoy this, follow me on twt (@hyunscroissant) and on AFF (sanatozaki-s)! I promise I'm not always angsty lol
> 
> Anyways! I hope you enjoy reading!

The clock on her desk reads 2:00AM in the usual, generic digital numbers. Because once again, Jung Jinsoul can’t sleep. She’s supposed to be going to a party later tonight, she needs rest. It really felt like her body hated her, especially when she finds herself hunched over in front of her dorm’s toilet, throwing up crimson flower petals. The Hanahaki Disease is what everyone calls it; an unfortunate disease that occurs as a product of unrequited love. If left untreated, the victim could potentially die. There is a surgery to remove it but at the cost of forgetting the person you love entirely. It’d take something big for Jinsoul to make a move like that. There’s no way she can forget the girl who has been her best friend since what felt like the beginning of time.

 

Now that she really does think about it, she can’t believe she’s fallen under the generic trope of falling for her best friend. But who wouldn’t love someone as beautiful as Kim Jungeun? Her best friend was an absolute masterpiece, the epitome of art itself. When Jinsoul stared at her features, it looked as though the angels had taken their time with making Jungeun. Like God had picked his favorite shades of brown just to paint her pupils while the other angels chiseled her face to utter perfection. It’s these very thoughts haunting her as she continues to gag and throw up more petals into the toilet.

 

One of the reasons she can’t let go—aside from being best friends for an eternity— is that Jinsoul was extremely stubborn. And being in the same friend group meant that if she does go get the surgery, it would be so obvious. How could Jinsoul forget her best friend that she’s known for almost her entire life?

 

But it’s still 2:15 in the morning and if she hadn’t woke up her roommate already, the sound of her retching and couching out more painful flower petals did now. There’s only one person besides her family that’s aware of her predicament. And even then, Haseul knows is that Jinsoul’s terribly stubborn and refuses to give up loving her, even if it means her own demise.

 

Which is why Haseul’s comforting hand on her back as she collapses down into a sitting position isn’t surprising. If anything, it allows her to finally let the numbness subside a little and take a breath. Haseul doesn’t say anything and just lets Jinsoul start to sob her heart out. Exact sob racked her frame like a hurricane would with a house. Her emotions were an utter mess and everything hurt so bad. Why couldn’t Jungeun love her too? Well, the answer was simple. Jinsoul was just her best friend. They were more than friends but less than lovers. It hurt. _It hurt so fucking bad._

 

It’s selfish but she’s in so deep. It was like the other girl had robbed the sun of its job. Because without Jungeun? Jinsoul didn’t want to live. She wouldn’t want to live in a world where her best friend didn’t exist. With Jungeun, everything felt so right. The tears kept rolling down her face. This is why Jinsoul doesn’t want to do love. This is why she takes any opportunity to forget the feelings; as contradictory as it sounds. She doesn’t want to stop loving Jungeun but she doesn’t want to be in pain anymore.

 

And that’s how the night ends. She’s crying in the arms of her friend until her body gives out.

 

—

 

It’s finally time for that party. She thinks that she’s lucky to have a friend like Haseul. Haseul doesn’t question Jinsoul after she wakes up and just helps her get ready. Her roomate had woken up way before her and had been ready for god knows how long. So, the blonde is left by herself in the bathroom for awhile, gripping the sides of the sink as she stares at her own reflection. Most people would say that she looks amazing, despite the minimal make up.

She’s Jung Jinsoul! A fun and quirky blonde who can rap and dance. The whole campus loves her!

 

But that’s not what she sees.

 

—

 

_Mirror, Mirror on the wall. Who’s the loneliest of them all?_

 

She hated this.

 

“C’mon Jinsoul. It’ll be fun, you got this.” She whispers to herself, looking at her own reflection in the mirror

 

She hated that she could see how vulnerable she was inside. How all of this was slowly eating her away until there was nothing left but a hollow shell

 

_Mirror, Mirror on the wall, can I go back in time to stop my own fall?_

 

If her heart shrinks enough, will it cease to exist?

 

_Mirror, Mirror. Please save me from the things I see._

 

Her arms tremble when her grip gets even tighter, shaking from the overwhelming emotions.

 

_I can hide everything from the world, why won’t you let me hide from me?_

 

It’s only now that she really looks at herself, letting go of the sink. She opens her palms to look but closes them instantly because she doesn’t like what she sees. She can’t bear to look at the disgusting creature inside of her. The worthless, disgusting monster she is. Pursuing music as a career? What a fucking joke. She can already see her parents’ dissatisfied faces, the rough calloused hands and empty bottles laying around.

 

Jung Jinsoul was a disgrace and she knew it. It’s that very phrase burned into her ribs that answers why Jungeun won’t love her.

 

_She’s worthless._

 

And maybe that’s why she’s more lonely than anyone else when they she steps out of her dorm with Haseul to head off to the party.

 

—

 

The party had been much smaller than Jinsoul had initially expected. It turns out that it was only a small get together for their friend group so the music wasn’t that loud and the snacks had all been laid out on the table as they caught up. However, upon scanning the people with her, there were still people missing. Almost everyone was here; Heejin and Hyunjin seemed to be engaged in some flirting war that somehow ended with Heejin on top of Hyunjin. Let’s just say that was the end of that ‘war’. Vivi and Haseul were immersed in their own conversations while Hyejoo, Chaewon, and Yeojin were discussing something. So, that just left Jinsoul to talk a bit with a very hyper Yerim and Jiwoo. She didn’t mind talking to them at all! They were all funny and she could definitely share a few laughs with them.

 

However, the sound of the door opening to reveal the missing people she was looking for. Sooyoung and .. Jungeun. Jungeun looked absolutely breathtaking tonight (when did she not?) and Jinsoul’s jaw almost dropped from how stunning the view was. Somehow, she managed to contain herself while the two approached with warming smiles and joined in on the group discussions.

 

Somehow, they had all winded up drinking alcohol (except for the younger ones who were only allowed to have juice and soda). Playing truth or dare had only resulted in 2jin—Yes, that’s how Jinsoul refers to the couple—engaging in a very cute kiss. Surprisingly, she had managed to swallow down a few petals and have some fun. ‘Maybe this party isn’t so bad.’ She thinks to herself.

 

But of course, luck is never on her side anyways.

 

 

“How about.. 7 minutes in heaven!” Heejin suddenly suggests with a suggestive grin. Jinsoul can only tilt her head at the girl in confusion while everyone else seems to be okay with it. Despite being on the younger side, Heejin was probably way too mischievous for her own good.

 

“How are we even going to choose who goes in? Paper slips?” Someone speaks up but Jinsoul isn’t even paying attention. She’s too busy looking at Jungeun who seems to be comfortably leaning on Yerim’s shoulder. She knows that she shouldn’t feel envious of the other girl but she can’t help it. The other blonde girl looks absolutely amazing, donning ripped skinny jeans and a crop top that hugs her frame very well. _Too well._

The sound of the latter’s soft giggle after Yerim whispered something entertaining in her ears made her feel like she was a drug addict. Almost like she was addicted with everything and anything Jungeun had to offer her.

 

Jinsoul should have left when she had the chance.

 

She should have known that fate wouldn’t have given her a chance because names had been picked and soon, Sooyoung was dragging in Jungeun to enter the closet.

The next seven minutes were excruciating for Jinsoul. Everyone else seemed to be joking around and throwing out careless phrases like, “Imagine us opening the closet too early and they’re in the middle of a make out session.” While everyone else seemed to laugh at the joke, she couldn’t help but make eye contact with Haseul and surprisingly, Jiwoo.

 

Once seven minutes were up, Vivi’s phone had sounded a soft alarm. (The other girls had insisted that it would only vibrate so that they could actually catch the two if something was going on). Heejin had volunteered to open the door since it was technically her idea in the first place.However, there was nothing in the world that could prepare her for the outcome of this game. Not that it wasn’t predictable. Yet, the sight of the wooden doors opening to reveal Sooyoung and Jungeun in a very heated make-out session makes whatever was left of Jinsoul’s heart shatter. She can at least be thankful that she’s in back but image of her best friend and another close friend doing things that aren’t so friendly makes her sick in the stomach again. Haseul attempts to look over and make eye contact with Jinsoul but it’s too late.

 

The blonde finds herself in a coughing fit, staggering back until she painfully coughs out an entire rose . Jinsoul swears she can hear Jiwoo coughing as well but she can’t think properly. Her throat _burns_ and in her hands is a beautiful, crimson rose. At least, it would be beautiful if it wasn’t covered in blood. She can hear and feel Haseul rushing over with tissues to wipe down her hands after the rose is removed. However, her face shows almost no emotions. The feeling in her throat burns but not as badly as the stares of 10 of her friends looking into her like they had seen a ghost.

 

She swears that today isn’t her day. And just when she’s about to smile off this occasion like it’s nothing important, the person she doesn’t even want to think about anymore, is walking up to her with a concerned expression before placing a hand on her shoulder. “Jinsoul, are you okay?! Please tell me who’s causing this, we all love you so much and I can’t just sit here and watch you die from this. How long have you been hiding this from me? From all of us?” She doesn’t miss the glare that Haseul is shooting her and it only seems to make Jungeun even more suspicious.

 

But Jinsoul can’t believe her ears. As much as her heart wants to indulge in the fact that Jungeun does care for her, she can’t. It hurts too much. Pushing her hand off her shoulder, she stares at the blonde with glassy eyes. “Stop it. please stop it.” She whispers. The confused look on her best friend’s face is expected but she has to let it all out. “Please, don’t get my hopes up. I’m so tired, Jungeun. I’m tired of having to rebuild my walls only to have you destroy them like it’s nothing. Because when I’m with you? It feels like my heart is soaring and when you touch me? I feel like maybe I can be whole again. But we all know how that ends.”

 

“What do you mean?” She asks cautiously, to which Jinsoul can only smile at sadly. It’s so fucking ironic that it’s painful.

 

“I can’t do this anymore.If this love is tragic, then why are you still my _cure_? Why are _you_ still my remedy? You’re the part of me that I wish I didn’t need. Goddamnit. Why couldn’t you see that?” By now, the tears are falling down her face and it all hurts. Everything from the tip of her toes to the top of her head is screaming in pain; her chest especially. Jungeun is saying something to her but everything sounds so muffled after she hears the words, “I’m sorry. I don’t know what to say.” The blonde seemingly just stares blankly, despite her eyes being trained on the latter’s cherry lips. Red was always her favorite color and she can see why. It looks absolutely amazing on her. And those are the last few thoughts registering in her head when it all seems to go black.

**Author's Note:**

> feel free to yell at me-
> 
> cc: @sanatozakism


End file.
